5 Ways to Recreate a Corporatized Gay Paradise in Your Own Backyard!
- Rainbows! A must-have for any event looking to profit from minority groups. Cover up the hypocrisy with rainbows, sparkles, and plenty of glitter, because gays love shiny things! If they didn’t, how could Darren Criss have gotten this far?
- A Photo Booth! Do you long for the days when you and your minimally-waged pals could crowd into a cardboard cut-out so that the CEO of a multimillion dollar company can get credit for being “inclusive”? Me, too, queen!
- Swag Bags! What’s the one thing that queer populations yearn for? Equal rights? Erasure of the everyday terror of discrimination and violence? No, silly! Chapstick! Pencils! Drawstring backpacks! Sickening!
- Fried Food! Nothing says, “Let’s celebrate the anniversary of an illegal police raid that instituted a riot” by paying $8 for a sweaty hot dog. Double entendre heavily implied, of course, you bad beeyatch.
- Drag queens! Sa-shay a-way hunty! Slay! The more you co-opt language and culture created by black drag queens, the less gays will notice a lot of your sponsorships have come from Ru-Paul’s fracking ties. Spill that tea! But, actually, you know, don’t. Please. Because it might kill the grass on your lawn.
See! We can all make our own Pride festivals this June, within the safety of our own homes. It’s as easy as throwing away your morals, throwing on some sparkly eyeshadow, and strutting down your sidewalk like it’s the runway.