by Jackson Weaver
The Ronkonkoma Rubout – You are your own safest sex partner, so why not whack it while you travel through scenic central Long Island. Or on any train for that matter, it hasn’t stopped anyone before.
The George Washington Bridge Gangbang – With group sex being discouraged, the Department of Health recommends Zoom orgies, where the link is resent every forty minutes becomes no one bothered to pay for the full version.
Taking Out and Tapping Ass – The pizza delivery man is here, but uh oh, you don’t have enough money. Guess you’re going to have sex with them. Get your gloves and mask on, touch them once, and then retreat back into your house, sanitizing furiously.
The Bronx Bondage – Tie your partner up, and just leave them there. Nothing is hotter than the anticipation. Don’t actually have sex and just remain six feet apart. The NYC Board of Health condones being a tease.
The Chelsea Choke- To limit human contact and general face-touching, having your partner choke you is discouraged. But you can always try to eat six saltines in under a minute.
Do it Like Dave – The Health and Safety guidelines highly discourage kissing. So, do it like Dave, your aloof high school boyfriend who thought kissing was “lame” and said “no one really gets me” when he climaxed.
Holey Moley My Cannoli – The Covid Sex Guidelines clearly recommend “sex using walls”, so Mayor Bill DeBlasio has hired Citi Bike to install glory holes all throughout the city. You can either chose a one-time payment, or a yearly subscription.
Protection in the Streets, Protection in the Sheets – Condoms are highly suggested for limiting contact, but they’re just a start. It is also recommended that you buy a limited-edition replica of the mask from Legend of Zelda Majora’s Mask, because if you can get laid in that, nothing can hurt you.
The Sexy Times Subway – The New York Board of health recommends limiting facial proximity. So act totally disengaged during sex, making about as much eye contact with them as you would with the mariachi bands on the subways.
Play with your FAO Schwartz – The health guidelines clearly recommend using toys on your own, rather than being with a partner, and you’ve been baking a lot of bread. So, it’s time to fuck that focaccia.