Father’s Day is just around the corner. And if you’ve made it this far without dad trading you for a 100 pieces of foreskin, why not send him a thoughtful token of your appreciation? We’ve compiled a list of unique gifts for every kind of patriarch, no matter how much of a bastard they may be.
1. Adam—It’s been a tough couple years for Dad, what with having his rib stolen, that whole talking snake debacle, getting kicked out of paradise, and then having one son kill the other. Dad won’t be able to bring back Abel with his ADIMlab 3D Printer , but he’ll be feeling whole again in no time when he designs and prints his Wolverine-worthy titanium rib replacement!
2. Noah—What do you get the patriarch who already has two of everything? Dad will think he died in a flood and went to heaven with this Ocean Breeze Pet Odor Eliminator Candle. With an estimated burn time of forty days and forty nights, this decorative candle will make your dad’s ark a pleasure to be stuck inside while he waits for the people he left behind to drown for their perfidy. Got a few extra shekels? Consider getting your dad a TSA approved combination lock and avoid having your descendents cursed to slavery because you found him snookered and naked on his tent floor!
3. Job—Let’s face it. Life can be rough, especially when God and the devil get into a pissing contest over how righteous you are. But no matter how many of his servants get massacred, no matter how many of his cattle become diseased, no matter how many storms blow down his house and crush his children, your dad will sleep like a baby in a manger under his therapeutic Relax Eden weighted blanket.
4. David—When you’re a busy King, your throne room can begin to pile up with receipts for concubines, forbidden census logs, and intercepted intelligence from treasonous sons. Why not help your dad clear his desk AND his conscience with this nostalgic desktop sling shot? He can load all those pesky papers into the sling and relive the quaint pastoral days when he was just a lowly shepherd killing six-fingered giants, not a lustful patriarch sending his best soldier to the front line so he can bang his hot wife.
5. Lot—You and your dad have certainly had your rough patches. But what dad hasn’t, in the heat of the moment, offered his daughters to a sex-crazed mob? And what daughters haven’t, at one point or another, tried to get their dad drunk so he can father their children? Besides, Dad just hasn’t been the same ever since God smote your hometown and dissolved your mom into a pillar of salt. Why not give Pop the gift of connubial bliss with a subscription to the be-SALT dating app? Now your dad doesn’t have to worry about being unequally yoked. Matched with an iniquitous woman? Just like his own heavenly father, he too can swipe, swipe, swipe her away!
6. Abraham—With this affordable box set of Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale, Dad will wax nostalgic for the days before separation of church and state, when women had no bodily autonomy and using your wife’s slave to father your children was A-OK. Buy the set now, and we’ll throw in a Grillfather apron; with two spacious pockets just the right size for holding a lighter and rope, it’s perfect for when he’ll need to bind a son to an altar to prove his loyalty to God .
7. Isaac—No one loves comfort food more than your father, and who can blame him? Lord knows he’s been eating his feelings ever since your grandfather tried to make a human sacrifice of him. But that’s all holy water under the bridge. With a gift subscription to Spoonful of Comfort food delivery, that nearsighted bastard will never again give your birthright to your twin in exchange for a measly plate of venison.
8. Jacob—He was celibate until he was 84 and now look at him, the proud papa bear of twelve whole tribes. That’s why your old man will love his Story of My Life: A Workbook for Preserving Your Legacy. Its thought-provoking prompts will help dad remember and record his most precious memories, like the day he married your mother’s sister by mistake or that time he tricked his enemies into getting circumcised so he could slaughter them while they healed. His workbook even includes interactive pages that allow his children to share their stories, too; what a chuckle you’ll have reminiscing about that time you sold your brother to slave traders, smeared blood on his coat, and told Dad he’d been eaten by wild animals.
9. Moses—Your dad’s a busy guy, what with turning rivers to blood and managing swarms of insects. But with our Alexa SmartHome devices, the big guy can check the status of all of his pestilences at once! And that’s not all! No more hand cramps etching commandments into stone! Now Dad can use Alexa’s voice transcription to more accurately record divine rules (like George Carlin said, he probably fudged a few of them). Imagine the time Dad will save when he uses his Smart Entry device to grant the Angel of Death remote access to the homes of every single apostate in Egypt! And with hands-free voice control, parting the Red Sea has never been easier. No more climbing mountains to talk to God; now burning bushes are just a video-chat away. Finally you and Dad will have time to bond while you wander the desert for forty years slaughtering your enemies, plundering their land, and looking for the promised land.
10. Joseph—He chose to stand by your mom even after a bodiless deity impregnated her. Then he put up with you through your annoying know-it-all adolescence. That’s why your stepdad will love his Best Bonus Dad Ever mug, a daily reminder that you appreciate his sacrifices, even though they’ll never measure up to your own.
11. Yahweh—Show Dad (and all those naysayers out there) that there’s nobody else like him. With the AncestryDNA Kit he can finally answer the burning question, where did he come from?